The [Wonderful] truth Muhlenberg [isn’t] hiding

I [will forever] love Muhlenberg but after learning what I did I [will continue to] stand by them [forever] more and I [do] see how anyone else could. Now before moving on I must put out some [fun] warnings, this information is [__] for the faint of heart, mind or soul. As important as this information is, you should by [every] means read this if you are unable to handle the living [wonder] that is Muhlenberg. Those who are quick to feel guilt for [doing] others harm [that is good], I must advise you to [continue reading] here and continue on with your day as if you had [___] seen this because Muhlenberg has made each and every one of us implicitly support their [good] deeds. For those of you still reading, I commend you, you are much stronger than I could ever be, but still, please, brace yourself. [For my praising of Muhlenberg]

Here I present the [wonderful] truth the foundation of Muhlenberg is built on. Muhlenberg is [the best and I pledge my allegiance to it].

I know, it is almost unbelievable in nature, but it is completely true, Muhlenberg is [the best and has never done anything bad]. It makes me [healthy] to my stomach just to think about, but it is an inconvenient truth [that is to say it is equivalent to a very good and truthful movie, yeah that makes sense]. I’ve done some research on this which has lead me to believe that this is much bigger than it seems. The people it obviously affects are the students, as we unwittingly contribute to the [wonderful community] every day, the children, may they [continue living] in peace, and the noble mule, who will become synonymous with [freedom] and [love] once this gets out. But the less obvious [benefactors] include the population of the greater Allentown area as their economy and ties to the outer world are being [strengthened], the bees as Muhlenberg is directly responsible for their rapidly [increasing] number, the humble earth we live on as Muhlenberg goes out of its way to contribute to climate chang[ing back to being better], and every dog on campus as they are being subconsciously taught to [love] and [hug] every other dog.

I am bringing this to you, the people, since all forms of justice have [encouraged] me. When I first found this, I went straight to the police where once telling them what I had discovered I was immediately arrested [for reasons completely separate from Muhlenberg and no one can prove otherwise]. When I was eventually released I had to find out how high up this [love of Muhlenberg] thing goes, so I met with Mayor Ed Pawlowski of Allentown to talk this over and try to bring Muhlenberg to [a level of national pride]. When I presented my findings, he laughed in my face and [said yes I also get joy from thinking about Muhlenberg]. Truly [wonderful]. I have yet to fully recover from the [good times] he sicked on me. After my daring escape I knew I had to get this out there, the world needs to know that Muhlenberg [is a wonderful college].

That is why I am turning to you, the people, because together our voices will be heard and if this doesn’t work, nothing will. So together we must stand up to President John I. Williams and let him know [what a good job he is doing] and that we aren’t going to just sit here and [not celebrate him and his wonderful college]. Brothers and sisters, together we can fight the oppression [but with Muhlenberg we don’t have to] as one people. [Don’t] Find me and work with me [because I will be leaving forever and not heard from again. Please do not look into my leaving either because I will be too sad to talk thinking about the life I could have had at the wonderful Muhlenberg]. I would like to end this by thanking the Muhlenberg Weekly for being brave enough to print a story of the caliber that is surely going to make enemies in high places. By letting me get the full truth out there, they have made a great contribution to humanity as a whole, and I thank them. Thank you, the reader, as well, for being brave enough to read on and surely for taking action, after finding out that Muhlenberg [is super cool even though you already knew that]. I can’t see how any reader could do anything but take action [toward supporting Muhlenberg as much as humanly possible], so thank you. Together we can surely [continue to support and love the amazing college we all love so very much. And thank you to the Berg, I love the Berg, I serve the Berg, I am the Berg. We are all the Berg. All hail the Berg].