What your bagel toppings say about your personality

Toppings on bagels can’t expose the deepest aspects of your personality, right? What if I told you they could, and thus your mind=blown. I know what you’re thinking: “But bagels are just bagels and not the windows into the soul, what on earth are you talking about, Will?” Well, I can’t tell you, but just know that there is a very scientific and very specific process to figure out everything about you as a person solely based off of bagel toppings.

If you like jelly on your bagel, that means you have a flirty personality, kind of. You like to have fun some of the time and other times not have fun, but all the while you keep on breathing. You like to meet people who are similar to you, but only in contexts where you are in the mood to meet people similar to you, but sometimes you like to meet people who are similar to you even if you are not in the mood to meet people similar to you. You can also be loud at times but only when you aren’t being loud. Now, if you are someone or you know anyone who likes jelly on their bagels, then you know that this is for real and at this point your mind is for sure equivalent to blown.

But what if you just prefer plain old butter on your bagels? Then let me tell you about you. First off, you have an introverted personality, for the most part. Secondly, you like your alone time, but only when you feel the need to be alone. And when you don’t feel the need to be alone you like to spend time with others, but only others you like. You have friends as well. You like your friends but not always because your friends can sometimes annoy you, but you are usually okay with this because they are your friends. You also have some insecurities that you think about either all the time or some of the time, but you don’t always vocalize them and when you do it is mostly to those you trust and feel close to the majority of the time. If you like butter on your bagel, now your mind is one hundred percent blown.

Now for those of you who prefer your bagels with some nice cream cheese, I’ve got a pretty good idea of who you are as well. For instance, you like being outside sometimes but also being inside other times. And you’re good at some stuff but not as good at other stuff. And you probably like to be on the internet sometimes or maybe you don’t. And I guess you are probably tall or maybe short or somewhere in between, I don’t know. I’m sorry, I’ve got to stop, this is a nothing article that is just pandering and I’m sorry.

To be honest, if anyone has made it this far I’d be surprised because of course I don’t know anything about you based on bagel toppings, and I know this may offend some readers, but I don’t care. You would have to be pretty stupid to think I could. Like, that makes no sense. Just read what I wrote. I literally couldn’t be any vaguer if I tried, and trust me I did. Just modifier on modifier on modifier so that everything applies to everyone. I wrote this so I could go viral, which is dumb because this is in a newspaper, but why is this something that people would read and want to share with others?

The idea that one preference of yours could somehow give me any sort of insight into you as a person is incredibly simpleminded.

We as humans are so incredibly complex. The hardest thing for one person to know is themselves and whether or not you like butter on your bagel isn’t going to help in the search for who you really are. I’m sorry, I wish things could be that simple, but if you want any sort of insight into who you are, you will have to do some self-reflection and self-meditation. It won’t be easy and some aspects of yourself will scare you, but that’s what makes us as a race so amazing. We are so incredibly complex that there is always room to learn about yourself and thus improve yourself.

By improving yourself, you can improve the lives of those around you, which can only lead to you feeling better about yourself and others. It’s amazing how much of an impact self-reflection can have on your life and the lives around you and the human race because if you harbor any hate, you can realize the roots and eventually figure out a way to channel that hate into a productive aspect of society, and that just can’t start with an article about bagels.

I regret the topic of this article. We as a human race have evolved past the need for articles and quizzes that arbitrarily assign traits based on some small, insignificant part of your life. I’m sorry for trying to pander to you at the start of this article, but also you should try cream cheese and peanut butter on a bagel because that’s really good and not many people have tried that.

Hit me up on Facebook if you try it and like it because your mind=blown afterwards.